EYES ON THE PRIZE

Dear promising young man, you are going to see many women who are more so like your spouse in many things if not everything: beauty, however you define it, smartness, I mean brains, or even virtue if that be the one thing you went after leaving all the looks behind. I mean there will always be those who appear to be more. You might be faced with doubts as to whether you made the right choice in life, thoughts on whether you should make the turn and head towards what you may consider being ‘greener’ pastures, a place where your mind may at the moment consider to be the best for you. It happens.

Am not here to condemn you or tell you how awful that is. I am no fit judge for such matter. However, am here to tell you it’s perfectly normal to have such thoughts. Few men can claim, truthfully, that they have never had such a battle in their lives, questions on whether they made the right choice or not. You are not the only one, not the first nor will you be the last. However, you must be careful as such is a trap that caused and still causes the wandering of many.

The fact of the matter is there will always, and I mean always be someone who is got something more than your spouse in anything or maybe so everything. Whether you are a single man and you are having trouble settling for that one fish in the sea, or maybe you have already landed your own fish but you still see other fish, you need to accept this truth; just the truth of the matter, not the situation of the matter.

So how do we deal with it knowing that one shouldn’t embrace such a situation? In this I have a few suggestions:

First of all, if it happens in the middle of your relationship, remember why you chose that particular individual. As an individual am sure there are special qualities that attract you to certain people or places. In this case your spouse. You certainly did not wake up and shoot your shot (or maybe you did and that’s the real problem, your impulsivity). What was so special about her that made you face all the hurdles to get her heart? This is a deep reflection question. If this is where you are stuck, you may want to take a pause and settle the matter here and now.

Secondly, living with a human being, a fallible as we all are, can easily set you adrift when all you choose to see is their mistakes, shortcomings and weaknesses. So, learn to see and accept the good and the bad, strengths and weaknesses in a person while you keep a keen eye on the good side of her. What positive traits does she have that you like about her? This also requires some deep reflection on your side. In the end, you may realize that you have more than what you keep looking on the sides. And remember, love “Always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV)

Thirdly, like any struggle, it helps if you find a trusted friend and talk to her or him about it. The bible says, “Two are better that one…If either falls down, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV). There is a better chance of beating something when two or more parties are involved. It can be a piece of advice, counselling, prayer or personal testimony of your friend as he/she went through the same challenge. In my experience, you may be surprised when two friends decide to open up with mutual love and respect about their struggles. So much healing can happen in the place.

Adding on the above point, if your spouse can stomach the fact that you are looking at other ladies other than her and can come in to help in love with no judgment, I believe it’s also a healthy approach to resolving the issue. The success of this approach is hinged on an atmosphere of open communication and openness that has been cultivated by the two sides. Though it may not always be the case and am not shifting responsibility on the other side, your spouse may be playing a role in it depending on what usually attracts you to other ladies. For example, how she dresses. Take time and open up to each other smoothly. In places where each or one of you fell short to the other, even by thoughts, “Confess and acknowledge how you have offended one another and then pray for one another to be instantly healed” (James 5:16 TPT)

Fourthly, work on your spouse. Without pressuring her to change, help her become in a way that will make her be the focus of your attention withdrawing it from others. As you do that you also need to learn to accept things that cannot be changed (unconditional love). Is it her dressing and cosmetics that need work? Take her shopping from time to time. Is it her intellect? Encourage her to read and learn, buy her books. Don’t go overboard with it, do it at the best of your ability and within your means. Observe and act. Learn to love her as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it, so that, “he might sanctify and cleanse it by the washing of the water of the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:26-27 KJV). Is there something about her that maybe the reason for your wandering? Now you know what to do. Just take care of that prize buddy!

On the deeper level, you may be struggling with lust, that is, you just have a strong desire for what you see every moment you see it, and mostly in a sexual way. This is a deeper heart issue and deeper healing and restoration of your heart is needed. 

With lust, your affection and appetite (desire) for something is governing your will and intellect and not the will and intellect governing that desire. At its best, it will only cause you to lose your focus and in the long run unnecessary regret and heartbreaks and emptiness in your heart. Lust is also at its best selfishness as all you want to satisfy is your desires, not caring about how other people feel or would feel, particularly your spouse. 

To avoid all that wreckage in your life because of Lust, pray as David prayed to God, “Create a new, clean heart within me. Fill me with pure thoughts and holy desires, ready to please you” (Psalms 51:10 TPT) and turn to Christ to help you with that because “He understands humanity, for…was tempted in every way just as we are, and conquered sin” and he also “sympathizes with our frailty” (Hebrews 4:14,15 TPT). Take your weakness to Christ.

Lastly, it may be true that you made the wrong choice and you need to start afresh. As tragic as it may be, for a moment, it is way better than a lifetime of havoc and dissatisfaction on any if not both sides. However, a lot of caution is needed on how to step away from someone you have made her believe that you love her. The best advice I can offer you is this, let the peace of Christ that surpasses all human understanding guide you before and as you execute such a decision. It will be traumatic but both of you will heal, eventually. Otherwise, if you have to go on, keep your eyes on the prize, don't let your eyes take you off the road.